SELF CARE IS NOT SIMPLE — WELLNESS MYTH #3

When it comes to self-care most of us have gathered some tools and strategies that involve adding something to our routines — Like a wellness practice, a supplement, or an activity. Or abstaining from something —Like committing to ‘Dry January’, or a spring cleanse. We may also find ourselves seduced to purchase the self-care creams, potions and gadgets continuously lobbed before us by the Wellness Industrial Complex.

Of course there is nothing wrong with these activities or products necessarily in and of themselves. It’s good to make conscious lifestyle choices in the service of our health and wellbeing.

But you may have noticed that the good old WIC has been busy these last couple of years elevating self-care as one element of wellbeing from its former fringe cult status and into a full-blown wellness religion. The persistence of the message and the insistence on its importance are echoed everywhere. This is ironic given that most of us on the receiving end of the self-care mantra live in a country that — the richest country on earth BTW — has refused to provide the free or low-cost universal health care that is available to the citizens of 116 other countries.

Unfortunately, self-care messaging manifests for most of us as a bulleted menu of shoulds and should-nots that we dutifully add to our daily to-do list. Our intentions are good. We want to feel better. We want to be healthy. But when it comes to either adding or abstaining, our follow-through can be spotty.

At best failing in our self-care aspirations leaves us with the nagging feeling we get when we procrastinate. At worst it sends us into a cycle of shame and self-loathing that lines up nicely with other feelings we may already carry about our success in our roles as parents, spouses, professionals, or friends. Like cycles of dieting, into the tumbler we go through an endless rotation of inspiration, good intentions and effort followed by an eventual loss of steam, abandonment and guilt. At least we now have a watch that will tell us how many steps we didn’t take this week.

If you feel at all burdened by the demands of this new self-care hobby everyone’s into, its ok to admit it here. Come on in, the water is fine. It’s not your fault.

When we were little many of us were systematically trained NOT to listen to our needs. Forgive your caregivers. They didn’t know any better. As a parent I’m guilty of these moments and countless others myself.

Remember those times you were forced to eat your vegetables even though you didn’t want them? Or those times you were distracted from the surprise of a fall with the words, “You’re all right. Get back out there!” Consider the tantrum of the 2 year old scandalized by being coerced into wearing their underwear underneath their pants despite adamant protests.

Experiences like these and countless others along the way taught us to stop listening to our internal cues. Developing the un-listening skill has served us well. We have responsibilities after all: groceries, bills, the second job (so we can afford health insurance AND an apartment), tonight’s dinner and its dishes, the elder in our life who needs extra care, our commitment to our child’s school play. Certain things take priority, usually not YOU. We call this ‘adulting’.

We try and often fail at consistent self-care because we think self-care is something we should be doing (like exercise or meditation), or not doing (like eating sugar or sitting for long periods or time). And sometimes it feels like we don’t have the right equipment, (like a stationary bike or a standing desk). Unfortunately, self-care is just not that simple.

Just because you’re meditating doesn’t mean you’re getting anything out of it. And honestly if you’re not enjoying it or leaving the practice feeling restored you’re not going to keep it up.

Restriction diets, whether food or other vices require willpower, resolve and consistency. Something a frayed and overworked nervous system may not have access to on the hardest days. Many of the ‘bad’ habits we would like to shift are actually coping strategies. Removing them or replacing them suddenly is not going to be sustainable. Self-care is just not as easy as it sounds.

So what is Self-care?

Self-care — true self-care — is a practice of LISTENING.

Yup. Listening. To yourself. Tuning in. Again and again. With patience. With humility. And with great, great tenderness.

Effective Self-care is the lifelong process of discovering, through trial and error, which activities, habits, and interventions help you (not other people, YOU) maintain your sense of balance and integration so that you can course-correct when things get tricky.

We must apply this ‘listening’ skill to basic needs like food, sleep, movement, and rest. And we must also apply this listening skill to things our culture doesn’t naturally prioritize, such as play, reverence and the experience of poignancy (we can talk more about these later). If we practice listening…really tuning in….our bodies, our minds, and our hearts will tell us what they need. Not what they needed yesterday, or when we were younger, what they need today.

To truly care for ourselves we must also practice TAKING IT EASY.

We need to ease up on ourselves while we reorient after a disruption — such as when a nuclear superpower invades a much smaller under-defended independent nation.

To truly care for ourselves we must give ourselves permission to put on the auto-pilot and step away from the helm for a bit while we tend to the disturbance and reconsider our course.

Self-care is developing a tolerance for feeling out of sorts for a while.

We don’t always need to, nor can we always change or improve upon what is happening. It’s ok to not feel ok sometimes. If we stay tuned in we will eventually find our way. If we settle into depression, or start having self-harming thoughts however, we need to reach out for help. Reaching out for help is also self-care.

In other words. Self care IS NOT the implementation of a tool or practice, as most wellness gurus (especially ones selling something) will suggest. Self care is the act of attuning, and then honoring the messages we receive. It can be hard to allow ourselves that luxury. Seriously. We get to do that?

How does it work?

Well, first we pause, get quiet, and ask ourselves,

“Hey you, How’re things? What do you need right now?”

Then we listen. When we get a reply our impulse may be to start negotiating, or to jump up to try to help. Instead we resist that urge, get really grounded and gently follow with,

“What else? What else would you like me to know?”

Don’t believe me? Try it right now. Set the timer on your phone for 5 minutes. Get into a comfortable position in a quiet place and ask yourself the above questions. Then just listen. With kindness and curiosity, just listen. Then repeat until the timer goes off.

A conversation begins. We follow it through. If we get sidetracked, we come back to the question again. In this way we intelligently and compassionately put ourselves in the way of hearing the call of our very unique Mind-Body-and-A-Little-Something-Special human system.

Only after listening are we in any position to make any kind of recommendation or implement any kind of change. When we do act, barring situations in which we are in danger, we would be wise to choose small and manageable efforts. Big complicated ocean-crossing ships take time to turn. Small adjustments at the helm have big implications over time. We steer our course with patience.

When you’re doing self-care right your system replies with,

“Ahhh. You’re listening. Finally. Thank you.”

THIS is self-care. And like all the best things in life, it’s not simple. It’s a process, and a worthy journey.