ANXIETY IS NOT THE PROBLEM. IT’S THE MESSENGER.

As we move through yet another transition — one that hopefully has you ‘easing’ into summer — I’m curious: Are you finding rest and recovery in your down-time? Or are you as anxious as ever?

Anxiety feels so real

I’m fortunate not to suffer from debilitating anxiety, and I’ve never had a panic attack. However, I have watched dear loved ones suffer tremendously. My anxiety manifests as a nagging restlessness and generalized malaise. It can take me a while to recognize it. I become grumpy, edgy, withdrawn and particular — -My husband would say I become ‘tight’. My children start to avoid me.

As I learn more about my nervous system, and how I operate under stress, I’ve gotten better at recognizing that my anxiety is not the problem. It’s the messenger. Persistent anxiety exists to show me that I’ve been ignoring something that needs to be integrated. It’s telling me I’ve reached my limit, and it’s time to pay closer attention.

What’s your set point?

We all have an emotional set point. It likely developed in childhood, based on events that occurred when we were small, or the dynamics we were surrounded with in our home. Our current set point feels perfectly normal to us. In this state we feel emotionally neutral. The porridge is not too hot, and it’s not too cold.

If our set point however errs on the side of anxious vigilance, regardless of how normal it feels, the point at which we become overwhelmed — defined by our window of tolerance— is closer than perhaps it could otherwise be. How much additional stress can your system manage before you become dis-integrated?

Recalibration

Unfortunately recalibrating a nervous system that has grown accustomed to anxiety is more difficult than just cooling a hot bowl of porridge. Adopting a breathwork or meditation practice may temporarily address the symptoms, but it won’t be the silver bullet we are looking for.

We need to adopt personal practices and lifestyle choices that strengthen our resources, both internal and external, so our window of tolerance can become wider. But that is not enough. We also need to gently commune with the root cause of our anxiety, which is usually a life crisis, such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or the end of a relationship, or a more deeply rooted historical, generational, or even collective trauma. In all likelihood, it’s a combination of both.

To promote the integration we are seeking, we need to be able to provide an environment of safety into which the under-resourced (a.k.a anxious) parts of us can be received. Only in the presence of a resourced system can perspective and insight emerge. When we’re resourced the core hurt can be both acknowledged and felt, and relief from anxiety follows.

The old way

What we usually do is chase our anxiety away with relaxation or distraction techniques, and in some cases addiction. There is a time for relaxation and distraction. They can get us through the day, or through a particularly tough period, and sometimes that’s the most important thing. But they are unlikely to resolve the underlying cause of a more persistent malaise.

Also, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to manage our anxiety. Anxiety’s job is to get louder and louder until we take action. If we don’t respond, it will continue to prod us. It’s exhausting.

If you’re on the edge, or already well over it, it’s time to reach out to friends and family, a therapist, or your doctor. Our bodies do overreact sometimes, and extreme anxiety is immediately treatable. Dialing 988 on your cell phone will put you into contact with a mental health counselor who can provide you with resources and support.

Don’t shoot the messenger

For those of us with ‘walking anxiety’ however, it’s probably time to greet the messenger and decipher the message. Combined with the external support we’ve thoughtfully chosen, we can do this by engaging with activities and environments that help us strengthen our internal resources and broaden that window of tolerance. The result is a more flexible nervous system with a healthier set point.

Below is a meditation to help you start to recognize what a more resourced nervous system feels like in your body. It’s for when you’re feeling mostly OK, want to actively participate in the process of recalibrating. Somatic (soma = Greek for ‘body’) visualizations work through the body. They can be powerful tools for those of us who tend to somatize our stress into headaches, muscular tension, illness, TMD, or chronic pain.

I’m curious, what are you doing this summer to explore integration and make friends with your messenger?

ReSourcing™ Meditation

Step 1. Recline or lie down. Ask your body, ‘Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?’ And honor any reasonable request.
Step 2. Rest into support. Take a few deep breaths and rest back into the support of whatever is underneath you.
Step 3. Observe sensations in your body with curiosity, not judgment. Scan through your body and notice the sensations that are present. Don’t try to change anything. Just notice. Meet your body where it is. If words come to your mind like, ‘Ugh, there’s that ache in my back again’, reframe your thought into a more neutral observation like simply, ‘Back is aching’. Then move on.
Step 4. Identify neutral or even pleasant sensation(s). There is always at least one somewhere. If you can’t find a neutral or pleasant sensation, you are not feeling mostly ‘OK’ right now; this isn’t the right meditation for you at this time.
Step 5. Rest attention on the neutral or pleasant sensation. The key word here is ‘rest’. Effortlessly ‘be with’ the sensation you have discovered. When you find your mind wandering, gently return to the sensation again. Can you describe it? Is it moving or shifting? Is it present anywhere else in your body? Stay playfully curious. Enjoy or appreciate the presence of the sensation. You might try saying in your mind, ‘Oh hello sensation, nice to rest with you here.’
Step 2. Thank your body for showing you. After 5 or 10 minutes — really you get to decide how long — slowly and gently return to an upright position. As you exit the meditation, thank your body for showing you its more integrated ‘parts’, and thank yourself for pausing to listen. This may seem like a silly or unnecessary step, but it’s a way we can further reinforce an environment safety in both mind and body.